Bible Question:
Mark, I am looking for answers and I am getting different answers to my question. My exwife was raised a Christian and lives a moral life but is not active in church. I was not a Christian when we married. I became a Christian while we were separated and fell in love with a divorced Christian woman in my new church. My exwife divorced me because after many years of trying to reconcile she could not trust that I would be faithful and wanted to control my friendships with women. Basically she told me that I could not have women friends and be married to her. That is just ridiculous and I will not live my life that way. I did not want to be repressed by my exwife and I enjoy my new church and new friends. My exwife does not fit my new life. She will not accept me as I am. She does not believe I am a Christian because I did not cut off all communication with women and come home to her. My exwife does not believe I repented or made ammends so she gave up on me and divorced me. Our divorce was very hostile and I do not believe we will ever have a relationship in the future. I try to be kind to her but she will not accept the changes in me. At the moment my exwife will not even talk to me. This Christian woman I have met is unlike anyone I have ever known. My new friends and church are unlike any group I have ever been a part of. It is difficult for me to believe that God would have me go back to the hostility of my exwife and walk away from the woman and friends that have supported me through the toughest part of my life. What is God's will? |
Bible Answer: I understand your situation. I personally come from a family where both of my parents divorced and remarried. Now, I don't want to sound presumptious, but from this post, it sounds a little bit like you might be blaming your ex-wife for some things here and there. I'm sure that she is guilty of plenty herself, but it occurs to me that you are the one that copulated outside of marriage and committed sexual immorality. If your ex-wife chose to divorce you for this reason (adultery) that is permissible according to what Jesus said in Matthew 5:31, 32 (unless you strictly apply the principle to male initiation of the divorce proceedings, which I hesitate to do. A man cannot just keep cheating on his wife and expect her to keep forgiving him.). Matt 5:31 "It was said, WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE; Matt 5:32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (NASB) In other translations we find the word "unchastity" being rendered as "fornication", "adultery", etc. So we see that adultery or any form of unlawful fornication is most likely the only valid reason for giving "someone" a certificate of divorce. It occurs to me that your wife is not obligated to reconcile with you over your sin. So you probably can't fault her for this. Enough about adultery though. You mentioned your right to have female friends. Now, this I have always found to be an interesting aspect of marital relationships. It is obvious that her fear of you actually committing adultery potentially with one of these friends was/is not unfounded, as is evidenced by the sin that occurred. I have found, as a happily married man, that female companionship is no longer a desire for me. I have guy friends, but that is it. And that is not because my wife is jealous, she is not a jealous woman. It is merely because I feel so satisfied with my wife and so passionate about never hurting her that I am well prepared to never speak to another female if I don't need too. This may sound extreme, but I am not a fool. I'm a man, I realize what can happen when you let your defenses down with female friends. The only woman I let my defenses down with is my wife. You called this type of lifestyle a repressed lifestyle, but to me it is merely my expression of my christian liberty. Do I know females? Of course, but I do not pursue friendship with them, and in fact, discourage myself from becoming attached to any of them. As a married man I will not put myself in a one on one situation with any woman other than my wife! I believe that you can be forgiven of any sin short of blaspheming the Holy Spirit (Mark 3:28,29), and that adultery is as easy for God to forgive as a simple white lie. You are free if you have accepted Christ and asked Him to forgive you (this is what repentance is, a turning away from your previous life of sin and immorality and a fresh turning to God). This Christian woman that you have met is hopefully forgiven as well, and redeemed. In summary: The ball was in your ex-wifes court, because you were the practioner of infidelity. If she does not want to reconcile that is fine, as long as you both forgive one another. I find irony in your final statement about "the woman and friends that...supported me through the toughest part of my life" because the person that supports me throughout the tough spots is my precious wife. It is unfortunate that your marriage had to end in infidelity and heartache, but it is over now, and you both should move on, accept the forgiveness of Christ and seek His will for your futures. But, you need to examine very carefully and minutely the situations that got you into this spot in the first place. Part of repentance is turning away from your previous "ways". While it is true that you are forgiven and that Christ is the ruler of your life now, always remember that as a man who has copulated outside of marriage once before you are always in danger of doing it again. It takes a right understanding of your liberty in Christ and a pure love for God to stay faithful to the precious wife of your youth. The last honset thing I can say as one man to another is this, I, personally, would rather take my own life than cheat on my wife. I kept my virginity for her, and I will keep our marriage in tact and healthy no matter what it takes. I can live happily with the wife of my youth because I have kept myself for her, and she kept herself for me; our love is therefore pure and simple. You can have this to, but only through the liberty and forgivenss that are found in Christ our Lord. |