|
Personal profile for user screen name: Whitewave I'll start this, but I may get interrupted and so have to finish it later.It was a dark and stormy night... My name is Jennifer. I converted to Christianity when I was in my Sophomore year of High School. (I can never remember how old I was- school is an easyer reference for me.) I converted because I trusted a friend and he answered what questions he could and was honest about the rest. I had many questions. Not so much about Jesus but about the Church, and the Bible. I liked Jesus just fine. He was one of the spiritual leaders that I respected, among others. But I had to be convinced that hooking up with Him was not going to obligate me to do what I thought the Church was doing (stupid and bad things) or believe what I thought the Bible said (more stupid and bad things). He managed to convince me that the Church made mistakes, and the Bible was misinterpreted and misused, but Jesus would never fail me. Other religions, on the other hand, might serve as good intellectual hobbies and spiritual rear-view mirrors, but they would never put me on the road which eventually arrived at the True Heaven and the Ultimate Apex of Creation. I wanted God. I wanted to be on the road that came to Him. I wanted nothing to get in my way. I haven't stopped since. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through molasses in the Ice Age, but I never stop pushing. Never. My personal life, however, has been filled with turmoil since day one. I struggle with low self-esteem and low self-confidence and emotional baggage that makes many normal routines of life impossible for me. I have had to carve out my own set of abilities and limitations and stand on them. There are some who accept me for who I am. Most do not, however, so I disappoint someone about something every day of my life. It's not something I can change right now, so I have to accept that. I've been married and divorced. I have two children. Emely just graduated from Junior High, and Elliott is going into 5th grade. Emely lives with me so she can maintain the relationships she has with her friends, and Elliott just moved to the next county with his Dad. My ex-husband Scott started a new printing shop over there, and the commute was killing him, so he had to move. We're all making big adjustments. Scott's niece lives with him and helps with the kids. She is a Godsend and I wouldn't be able to do it without her. My Mother just moved here from another county, and so she will be able to help too. That will require yet more adjustments. My grandmother is aging and lives 4 hours away. The family is now doing the what-shall-we-do-with-Mother thing with her since she is becoming unable to take care of herself and her home. Before I was married, I turned myself inside out trying to love well. Among other things, in exchange, I was given heartbreak, derision, deception and an unwanted pregnancy. My marriage turned out to be the same. Since the divorce, still more of the same. At this particular stage, I cannot trust men nor believe that some are or can be good relaters. In my local world, I keep my distance from them. My health is always chaotic. It's always something. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm doing my best to eliminate the irritants, but it's an overwhelming job. Sometimes I am simply overcome with it all, and I'll sleep a day away. I always regret it. So I live my life pinched between constant regret of being inadequate and constant fear of never becoming adequate. There are times when I just get sick of the fear and regret merry-go-round and I become irritable or beligerant just to push it away. I apologize in advance for those times. Gotta go. Whitewave (The above information has been submitted by the author for use solely by the StudyBibleForum.com) |