Lockman - Bible questions and answers

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Bible Question (short): Am I Biblically free to marry?

Question (full):
Marriage 1 My wife had an affair and moved to another state
with her boyfriend. I desparately wanted to reconcile but after
two years of zero contact, I filed for divorce.

Marriage 2 This marriage lasted twelve years and we had
four amazing children. Within the first two years of our
marriage, my wife had an affair. I suspected the affair but it
was approximately nine years into our marriage that her
confession was made. Things were never the same. I was
very hurt and bitter but I grew up in a broken home and didn't
want that for my children. We were both miserable and often
discussed divorce but we both wanted to keep our home
together until the kids were out of school. I am not aware of
any additional affairs but she was very regularly dishonest with
me in other matters. She had battled a pornography addiction
that started at an unusually young age and continued in that
path. Connecting with her in meaningful, open conversation
proved to be hurtful every time. My most private
insecurities would be brought up to me by "friends of friends"
after trickling down from her. I became very closed off to her
and there was an enormous wall between us. The more I shut
her out physically and emotionally, the more she became
convinced I was having an affair. She told many of our friends
that I was. At the time, I was not but I confided in a woman at
work who was going through a very difficult time as well. We
became very close friends and within six months our friendship
had evolved into sexual intimacy. I filed for divorce and
pursued this new relationship.

Marriage 3 Approximately six months into this marriage, my
brother told me about Kyle Idleman's book "Not A Fan". I
became immersed in this book and for the first time in my life, I
was a follower of Christ. Everything about me was different
and I wanted to be the me God created me to be. I remember
it hitting me like a ton of bricks. Now what God? What do I do
about the marriage I am in? I LOVE this woman but can I
expect you to bless a relationship that had ultimatey started as
an affair? I was not content with simply justifying what we had
done by citing my previous wife's affair. I still had to own up to
my sin regardless of her sin. We both apologized to her and
asked for forgiveness. She apologized as well and the co-
parenting relationship among the three of us prospered as a
result. My wife and the children's mother became friends and
would even sit together at sporting events etc. Fast forward
about a year and a half. My wife's father was pastoring a non-
denominational church. He was a "fallen" Assembly of God
pastor who had had an affair with and married the worship
leader. My wife and I had been going to his church since the
beginning of our relationship. He had also served as my
counselor through my previous divorce. He was aware of the
affair I had with his daughter and supported it. He helped us
keep it hidden as we would go out of town on various weekend
trips with them. My wife and I were both on staff receiving a
weekly check although we did nothing more than show up for
church. Many aspects of this church had long been unsettling
to me but I ignored the conviction until I no longer could. I
prayed with my wife and asked that she be in continuued
prayer about us stepping down from our ministry positions for
a period of six months. I felt led of the Spirit to do so and that
we were to focus on our family and our individual relationships
with God. She became deeply offended and agreed that I
should, but she would not. Her father took the same position.
Our families became very divided but in the end, she became
involved with a friend of her dad's. He helped her hide the
affair just as he did when he was "on my side". She filed for
divorce and soonafter married this man.

I seriously had no intentions of ever marrying again. After
three failed marriages, you might wonder why I'm even
pondering this question. But here I am today. I met an
amazing woman who is a widow. We've been together a little
over a year and I love her deeply. She recently broke up with
me and her reason was that I am not Biblically free to marry.
At this point, it is my understanding she is dating someone
else and I have no expectations of her changing her mind. I
respect her convictions and I respect her interpretation of
scripture. This question is for me. I do feel absolute peace
about marrying again. Have I deceived myself?

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